I am sorry if anyone who gets my posts emailed to them got the raw writing last week. I was trying to write my thoughts, then I tried adding a picture, and not only did I end up publishing work that was not up to par, but I uploaded the wrong picture as well. That’s when I walked away from the computer and decided tomorrow was another day.
The delete button is a marvelous tool.
Now for the part that I am nervous to write. In July I had a traumatic experience. I doubt I’ll ever write about it publicly, but we’ll see. It was my own stupid fault – hind sight is 20/20 and the warning signs were there. Still, the important thing to know is, I’m seeing a therapist for the anxiety. There is this shaking/trembling that takes place inside my body that no one can feel except me. Apparently that’s not all that uncommon in people who are experiencing extreme stress or fear.
I want you to know how grateful I am. My husband, my children, and my siblings have prayed to Heavenly Father on my behalf. I have been blessed with a quick recovery of rational and logic. As soon as I was functional, I began to look for ways to serve someone else to take my mind off of things. Believe me, it helps… and opens up opportunities. That’s how it happened.
I had a whole kitchen full of apricots and I had no desire to do any kind of canning. So I grabbed two sacks and threw some apricots in them and wracked my brains on who could use two sacks full of apricots. My friend Susan came to mind… the same Susan who inspired me before. I had an overwhelming feeling I should go see her. So I did.
When I got to Susan’s home she whisked me away to her room so we could talk privately. At first I tried to be myself, but at that point I couldn’t smile or even feel. It’s a very scary thing, not to be able to feel emotion. Then she grabbed my arm and pulled me slightly so I could focus on her – and told me to tell her what was going on. I told her some of the story eliminating a lot of the scary details. She looked at me and said, “Aine, you have been suffering! I don’t want you to suffer!”
And then she told me about HER therapist.
The thing is, I never in a million years would have considered therapy. I still don’t know how I feel about it. The more she talked though, the more I could see I really needed some help. I went home and thought some more. Then Susan started texting me, making sure I would go through with it because she knew my reservations. Bless her for that.
My husband went with me once to make sure we weren’t putting me on a life sentence, and was satisfied that this man’s main objective is to get me out of therapy as quickly as possible. I have read his book Navigating Your Mind and I have to say, of all the therapists in the world, I think this one is a good fit. From the beginning, he has given me tools to help me get through the “bad moments.” They’ve been very helpful and his calm manner and the fact that he said to me, “You’re not broken. I know you think you are, but you’re not. You just have to put in some work because I’m not going to give you a band-aid. Medication is not going to help you – only YOU can help you.”
I completely agree.
So that is what is new in my life. I don’t want you to think that this is it for me as far as writing goes. It’s not. My story is on hold – I can’t write the “dark” scenes in my book right now. I am considering writing a lighter story to keep myself in the habit, but Son of Asgard is on indefinite hiatus. That worries my mom – she doesn’t want me to give up. I’m not. I just need some time, but I know I will heal.
My first indication of this was standing in the Deseret Bookstore looking through a display of books. My darling husband was piling books in my arms. How to be happy books. The importance of women books. Cd’s by my favorite speakers. His attentiveness was almost comical, except the softness of love mixed with worry around his eyes. That man loves me, and I love him so very, very much. Anyway, while he was searching for more “help” for me, I came across this book:
Which is nothing more than a retelling of President Uchtdorf’s 2011 talk, but as I leafed through the pages I came across the words, “YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.” In that moment, I began to cry, which kinda freaked out a couple of people in the store. I was overwhelmed with joy because my internal body had stopped shaking (and at the time I didn’t even know what was causing it) and I knew beyond faith that the words of my Bishop’s blessing was true – that in time this challenge was going to be nothing more than a small moment. In other words, it is not a defining moment. It is not going to break me. I am going to be stronger, and more faithful because of it, but it’s not going be life altering in a negative sense.
Jeffery R. Holland in his talk, Broken Things to Mend (The Ensign, May 2006), said this about the Savior:
…The Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?”
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.
Healing is coming. I may have been through a storm, but I have seen the pockets of sunshine since. Everyday there is even more to be grateful for. It will come.
Don’t worry – this is not my confession of turning this blog into a therapy journal. I simply want to make you aware that this will probably come up from time to time. No biggie. I also want to say that I’m not giving up. I’m supposed to write. I’m also supposed to cook dinner, and read scriptures, and educate my children…
I did mention I would be writing about my attempts to maintain balance, didn’t I?
Thanks to my mom for coming to stay with us for awhile. There would still be a lot of dark things rummaging around in my brain if it wasn’t for her. And thanks for anyone who sticks with me through it – I appreciate you all.
Side note: the rest of the apricots are pitted and still waiting for me to do something with them in my freezer. I am content at this time to let them wait. 🙂