I have to thank the stalker woman who was taking photos of my child off my personal blog and printing them out for who-knows-what-reason. Because of her, I took a sabbatical to examine the reason behind why I blog. After all, blogging is not the dream – writing the novel is. When I bought this domain I was attempting to follow my writing mentors’ advice: to be published you MUST have web presence, and one mentor went so far as to say, “Don’t put any of that personal stuff on there. Keep it professional.”
Okay, so I tried that. A personal blog, a homeschool blog, a poetry blog, a recipe blog, a flash fiction blog, a writing blog, a personal history blog, a book blog… etc. And those are just some of the ones people know about. Then that thing happened and I ended up shutting everything down… and even after an attempt of resurrecting myself on blogger as anonymous I found myself in this place of, “What’s the point?”
Talk about an inspiration killer.
Then I got this little kiss from heaven from my friend, Susan:
I MISS YOU! I miss your sassiness, your laugh, your knowledge of all things “interesting” that I end up believing in, I miss [your daughter]. I miss YOU!!!! I miss reading your blog! I hope you are doing well and know that you are super duper LOVED by ME!
When I read this I suddenly saw my blog parade like a shoe store. I’ve tried on sneakers, sandals, cowgirl boots, high heels… the attendants are panting in the aisles with tissue paper and boxes piled high. To those of you who have followed them all – thank you. I know it’s been exhausting. Then there’s that last shoe box which opens to reveal the glass slippers I’ve been looking for – the perfect fit. And guess what? They were there right in front of me with a blinking neon sign saying, “HERE. HERE. HERE.”
I don’t know why some of us choose to try on different shoes. Maybe if I hadn’t tried all that I would be constantly looking over the fence WONDERING if I’d like myself better in boots. Now I know I don’t. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. It’s like I get so competitive with myself, I forget that sometimes it’s just an experience I’m having. It’s got NOTHING to do with me, except giving me an opportunity to learn and grow.
No more apologies, no more switching back and forth. This is the domain that bears my name, so it’s the one I’m going to stick with. The crazy stalker lady can stick a sock in it – I’ll just have to be more careful. *shrugs* I chose the new name “woman with the glass pen” because while the Cinderella metaphor works, the truth is I really can’t see God giving me glass slippers to walk in. Geez – we’d see me doing a repeat appearance of my wedding day when I missed the chair in the endowment room because my mother didn’t hold it down for me and I disappeared on the floor with my dress high above my head. (True story – Mom had to reach in the middle to pull me out.)
I don’t think God sets us up for failure. Instead, I see Him handing me a glass pen saying, “You’ve got your direction – now stop eating your words and write what you’ve been wanting to say. People want to hear it.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes we don’t know what we want until we know what we DON’T want. And that’s okay. Let yourself experience it, let people love you where you’re at. Know that they don’t judge you for changing your mind. What they really want to see – the people in your life that matter – is you happy doing what you do, fulfilling your greatest potential, and living the dreams that God put in your heart.
THAT is the point.
PS I’ve missed you ALL. Thank you for your kindness and understanding and sweet words of encouragement and emails like Susan’s. We all need cheerleaders. Everyone does. And Susan, I love you too. You still have not come to see my super-duper cool old house! 🙂